Broken, Mended, Strengthened

It started with innocent asking, " Please, please, make it happen if you deem it right"
As time and life happened, it became " You know how much I want this, please make it happen"

It slowly became more manipulative, " I've never wanted anything the way I want this, I don't ask you for much but this I really want".
He always smiled, a very diplomatic one now that I retrospect. But, I in my zelous optimism saw the smile as confirmation, as if the stage was all set.
By now, it had become an obsession. " Right or wrong, grant me this"
He was quiet. I thought I was going to use my charm to get my way.

" I demand this, I want it, I want it, I want it and I want it NOW"
I thought I had never used such fervor, such a tone, I thought I would intimidate Him into listening. He led me on, I thought I had won the battle.

" How hard is it for you, I with all my soul and heart beg you"
I was trying every technique I knew from blackmail to damsel in distress. Something had to work.
The day came, it was another morning in February. How much I had asked for this to be a blessed month.
It didn't happen. He didn't do it. My wish was not granted and like a true girl with pride, I acted like it was just fine, I was fine, nothing has changed. No, I didn't want sympathy, nothing. I said I was fine. And something murmured within me, "I'll be fine".

There was numbness, then acceptance and then; pain. He hurt me like never before. He let me down. I felt shattered, my sanity, my equilibrium was in pieces all over the place. I didn't want to pick up the broken pieces. My hands have bled enough always trying to make sense of broken things thrown my way. He was there all along, I refused to speak to Him. I was still polite and cordial, said my thank you's and all the things religion teaches but we were more than religion. Our bond was not about books, scriptures, and prophets. It was about us, Him and I. I didn't want to ask for anything else, I was going to be fine without Him.

My life was meaningless. I was a body with no soul. I felt an excruciating sense of coldness and loneliness. I had no one. There was a void in everything, in everyday. The extent to which He controlled me, the amount I needed Him, how much I yearned for his company. I had to go back, not for Him, but for me. I prided myself on being His favorite. And what did he do?
I started walking back thinking of how it'll be; awkward, strange.

He smiled like He always does as if my arrival was no surprise. The arrogance, the confidence; I hated it and yet I loved it.
All He said, " I didn't give you one thing that you asked for, but I gave you countless things in this very month that you didn't ask because you needed them more. I gave you zen, I gave you a home that you had yearned for, I gave you a job with the salary you had secretly always wanted, I showed you more options, I showed you love in the form of a soul mate"

He was right. My life was right. We were never the same again.

New York,Snow,and Surprises....

Something so beautiful and graceful about how snowflakes descend onto the ground. With serene silence, and determined composure, they fall in abundance all around. Unlike rain, they don't come in my way. They let life go on. Snowflakes touch me gently even in the wildest storm,not letting the distance they've travelled show in their temper;still loving, still calm. I admire the snow for that. It doesn't let its experience,past, and history alter its fundamental whiteness, its inherent gentleness. I wish I was snow.

New York;if only it knew the battles I've fought to be here, the city where dreams are unlimited, the city that is my escape from expectations,limitations,clannish boundaries and ridiculous confinements. In this city, I celebrate my boundless freedom,my escape from everything that is known, and I celebrate the persistence that has brought me here. No dream is too big or too tall here. I can be whoever and whatever. What an intoxicating empowering thought!

Like the snow that lies everywhere along the path, uncertainty lies tucked into every corner of this life but it doesn't bother me. The Divine plan got me this far, He'll take me beyond. I sit comfortably waiting for His plans to unravel. I can plan as much as I want but His planning is always far better than mine. I've let Him dictate things now. I can trust Him to do what is best for me. Like the trail of miracles He's made happen in my life, I wait anxiously for one more. The one that has become the obsession of my life, the one that I'm tired of waiting for and have now started stubbornly demanding from Him, the one miracle that gives me goose bumps, the miracle whose mere thought makes me euphoric. Just this one, I yearn for it. And ironically, this miracle has nothing to do with me directly.

He lies somewhere in the depths of me. I greet him with disbelief and indifference. He symbolizes so much to me;the essence of me, the love of my life, the relationship that means the most to me,the other relationships in my life. I lack emotion for him, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I don't know why I'm asked to feel, I don't know why feeling is so important. Does it makes us human? I'm just fine. I'm too stoic to even explain myself. I calmly listen to the incorrect and one sided analysis of myself, the strong adjectives; I retreat further into myself. I can't reason, explain,or rationalize. But, yes, I do know in the depths of me that I've become a dangerous mutation. I choose to not analyse and comprehend the causes, the reasons. I've given up, I don't make sense to anyone but myself.

As you innocently lie tucked away deep within warm layers, doing the only thing you know how to at this stage;growing,surviving;I wonder what to do with you. With scarce emotion, but incisive practicality, I'm left to decide your fate.And since we may never meet, or know what each other look like, I want you to know I'll do whatever seems right for you and us. The "us" doesn't include you. It took 7 years for the "us" to happen, you're an impulsive result of that
"us". I'm not ready to include you in the "us". We don't have much to offer you. I want you when we're ready. I'm tired of never getting anything right. Tell me, is that the type of frame of mind you want me in?. I think I'll let you go. Letting go is one of the things I dread most and yet I've learned to with impeccable grace and composure. Thank you for being in me, I'm not as cold as it sounds.

I continue dreaming about all that I want to do with myself, my life,my husband. Shrugging off the emotions that fell upon me like snowflakes, I walk down tall buildings and flashing lights. Waiting for miracles, cherishing the miracles that have happened, holding onto the arm of the man I love and inciting the fire within me to take me higher and higher;I'm in heaven.

I wish I was snow....