New York,Snow,and Surprises....

Something so beautiful and graceful about how snowflakes descend onto the ground. With serene silence, and determined composure, they fall in abundance all around. Unlike rain, they don't come in my way. They let life go on. Snowflakes touch me gently even in the wildest storm,not letting the distance they've travelled show in their temper;still loving, still calm. I admire the snow for that. It doesn't let its experience,past, and history alter its fundamental whiteness, its inherent gentleness. I wish I was snow.

New York;if only it knew the battles I've fought to be here, the city where dreams are unlimited, the city that is my escape from expectations,limitations,clannish boundaries and ridiculous confinements. In this city, I celebrate my boundless freedom,my escape from everything that is known, and I celebrate the persistence that has brought me here. No dream is too big or too tall here. I can be whoever and whatever. What an intoxicating empowering thought!

Like the snow that lies everywhere along the path, uncertainty lies tucked into every corner of this life but it doesn't bother me. The Divine plan got me this far, He'll take me beyond. I sit comfortably waiting for His plans to unravel. I can plan as much as I want but His planning is always far better than mine. I've let Him dictate things now. I can trust Him to do what is best for me. Like the trail of miracles He's made happen in my life, I wait anxiously for one more. The one that has become the obsession of my life, the one that I'm tired of waiting for and have now started stubbornly demanding from Him, the one miracle that gives me goose bumps, the miracle whose mere thought makes me euphoric. Just this one, I yearn for it. And ironically, this miracle has nothing to do with me directly.

He lies somewhere in the depths of me. I greet him with disbelief and indifference. He symbolizes so much to me;the essence of me, the love of my life, the relationship that means the most to me,the other relationships in my life. I lack emotion for him, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I don't know why I'm asked to feel, I don't know why feeling is so important. Does it makes us human? I'm just fine. I'm too stoic to even explain myself. I calmly listen to the incorrect and one sided analysis of myself, the strong adjectives; I retreat further into myself. I can't reason, explain,or rationalize. But, yes, I do know in the depths of me that I've become a dangerous mutation. I choose to not analyse and comprehend the causes, the reasons. I've given up, I don't make sense to anyone but myself.

As you innocently lie tucked away deep within warm layers, doing the only thing you know how to at this stage;growing,surviving;I wonder what to do with you. With scarce emotion, but incisive practicality, I'm left to decide your fate.And since we may never meet, or know what each other look like, I want you to know I'll do whatever seems right for you and us. The "us" doesn't include you. It took 7 years for the "us" to happen, you're an impulsive result of that
"us". I'm not ready to include you in the "us". We don't have much to offer you. I want you when we're ready. I'm tired of never getting anything right. Tell me, is that the type of frame of mind you want me in?. I think I'll let you go. Letting go is one of the things I dread most and yet I've learned to with impeccable grace and composure. Thank you for being in me, I'm not as cold as it sounds.

I continue dreaming about all that I want to do with myself, my life,my husband. Shrugging off the emotions that fell upon me like snowflakes, I walk down tall buildings and flashing lights. Waiting for miracles, cherishing the miracles that have happened, holding onto the arm of the man I love and inciting the fire within me to take me higher and higher;I'm in heaven.

I wish I was snow....