Broken, Mended, Strengthened
It started with innocent asking, " Please, please, make it happen if you deem it right"
As time and life happened, it became " You know how much I want this, please make it happen"
It slowly became more manipulative, " I've never wanted anything the way I want this, I don't ask you for much but this I really want".
He always smiled, a very diplomatic one now that I retrospect. But, I in my zelous optimism saw the smile as confirmation, as if the stage was all set.
By now, it had become an obsession. " Right or wrong, grant me this"
He was quiet. I thought I was going to use my charm to get my way.
" I demand this, I want it, I want it, I want it and I want it NOW"
I thought I had never used such fervor, such a tone, I thought I would intimidate Him into listening. He led me on, I thought I had won the battle.
" How hard is it for you, I with all my soul and heart beg you"
I was trying every technique I knew from blackmail to damsel in distress. Something had to work.
The day came, it was another morning in February. How much I had asked for this to be a blessed month.
It didn't happen. He didn't do it. My wish was not granted and like a true girl with pride, I acted like it was just fine, I was fine, nothing has changed. No, I didn't want sympathy, nothing. I said I was fine. And something murmured within me, "I'll be fine".
There was numbness, then acceptance and then; pain. He hurt me like never before. He let me down. I felt shattered, my sanity, my equilibrium was in pieces all over the place. I didn't want to pick up the broken pieces. My hands have bled enough always trying to make sense of broken things thrown my way. He was there all along, I refused to speak to Him. I was still polite and cordial, said my thank you's and all the things religion teaches but we were more than religion. Our bond was not about books, scriptures, and prophets. It was about us, Him and I. I didn't want to ask for anything else, I was going to be fine without Him.
My life was meaningless. I was a body with no soul. I felt an excruciating sense of coldness and loneliness. I had no one. There was a void in everything, in everyday. The extent to which He controlled me, the amount I needed Him, how much I yearned for his company. I had to go back, not for Him, but for me. I prided myself on being His favorite. And what did he do?
I started walking back thinking of how it'll be; awkward, strange.
He smiled like He always does as if my arrival was no surprise. The arrogance, the confidence; I hated it and yet I loved it.
All He said, " I didn't give you one thing that you asked for, but I gave you countless things in this very month that you didn't ask because you needed them more. I gave you zen, I gave you a home that you had yearned for, I gave you a job with the salary you had secretly always wanted, I showed you more options, I showed you love in the form of a soul mate"
He was right. My life was right. We were never the same again.
As time and life happened, it became " You know how much I want this, please make it happen"
It slowly became more manipulative, " I've never wanted anything the way I want this, I don't ask you for much but this I really want".
He always smiled, a very diplomatic one now that I retrospect. But, I in my zelous optimism saw the smile as confirmation, as if the stage was all set.
By now, it had become an obsession. " Right or wrong, grant me this"
He was quiet. I thought I was going to use my charm to get my way.
" I demand this, I want it, I want it, I want it and I want it NOW"
I thought I had never used such fervor, such a tone, I thought I would intimidate Him into listening. He led me on, I thought I had won the battle.
" How hard is it for you, I with all my soul and heart beg you"
I was trying every technique I knew from blackmail to damsel in distress. Something had to work.
The day came, it was another morning in February. How much I had asked for this to be a blessed month.
It didn't happen. He didn't do it. My wish was not granted and like a true girl with pride, I acted like it was just fine, I was fine, nothing has changed. No, I didn't want sympathy, nothing. I said I was fine. And something murmured within me, "I'll be fine".
There was numbness, then acceptance and then; pain. He hurt me like never before. He let me down. I felt shattered, my sanity, my equilibrium was in pieces all over the place. I didn't want to pick up the broken pieces. My hands have bled enough always trying to make sense of broken things thrown my way. He was there all along, I refused to speak to Him. I was still polite and cordial, said my thank you's and all the things religion teaches but we were more than religion. Our bond was not about books, scriptures, and prophets. It was about us, Him and I. I didn't want to ask for anything else, I was going to be fine without Him.
My life was meaningless. I was a body with no soul. I felt an excruciating sense of coldness and loneliness. I had no one. There was a void in everything, in everyday. The extent to which He controlled me, the amount I needed Him, how much I yearned for his company. I had to go back, not for Him, but for me. I prided myself on being His favorite. And what did he do?
I started walking back thinking of how it'll be; awkward, strange.
He smiled like He always does as if my arrival was no surprise. The arrogance, the confidence; I hated it and yet I loved it.
All He said, " I didn't give you one thing that you asked for, but I gave you countless things in this very month that you didn't ask because you needed them more. I gave you zen, I gave you a home that you had yearned for, I gave you a job with the salary you had secretly always wanted, I showed you more options, I showed you love in the form of a soul mate"
He was right. My life was right. We were never the same again.
posted by Enigma at 5:02 PM
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