Three Hours Before 2008
Three hours away from the beginning of a new year.I don't want to toss away this year just as easily as I tossed away the 2007 calender into the trash at work.
Began this year with a surgery.A reminder of my phyical vulnerability.The recurring and nagging pain throughout the year somewhere raised my threshold and tolerance for pain. It taught me to live with it. Such that when I was asked if I was hurting, I honestly replied, " I don't know if the pain has reduced or if I'be become numb to it". Such I believe is the reality of life. I'm not sure how much our lives really change. I'm more confident that we become numb to whatever life has in it.
I look at this year and realize three major events took place in my life. I graduated, I got my first job and I got engaged. A sense of pride for knowing you have a degree bearing your name on it, a sense of independence for knowing you get a cheque for your hard work with your name on it, and a sense of joy for knowing you wear a dazzling diamond which has his name glittering on it.
It's New Year's eve,as the world gets ready to dance and drink away the last few hours to the new year, I sit wrapped in my blanket in thought and reflection.I reflect upon myself, the self that is not so "my" anymore. At least, I don't treat it as mine.It seems so estranged. Almost as if it eloped and began a new life against the will and norms of society. And just as a mother meets with her eloped daughter, there is an unspoken distance, an overbearing gravity, countless burning questions and yet a unique knowledge that she understands, understands what had caused her daughter to do the bold act.There is also that strange aura of pride at the boldness her daughter has exhibited.
I am not devoid of emotion. I am only too fearful of the power they wield on my porous heart. I don't know how to be gracious in my dealing with them, I don't know how to experience emotions without letting them cause havoc within me and to me;without raping me of my sacred composure and serenity. So, I learnt another art. The art of not letting myself feel any emotion. Why else does my inner self shudder by the thought of loved ones going away, why else does the thought of loneliness scare me. Thoughts of the future stir emotion in me but when that future becomes present,there is not an iota of feeling.
Ever seen a bird build a nest.From miles away, she carries the burden of a single twig.Just when she's about to place her twig down to lay the foundation of her home, the twig falls, or it's blown away. Not for a moment does she stop, or lose hope; she flies again to search for another twig,another leaf, another hope.She's not attached to the twigs, or the leaves. Therefore, their loss doesn't affect her. She is only attached to the goal;the nest. With each twig that is blown away, with each leaf that is lost in the long flight;I learn the power and importance of detachment. Detachment to the obstacles, detachment to the struggle, detachment to the wind that blows away her efforts.
Like a flower waiting to bloom, 2008 holds a lot of promises, a lot of dreams and new beginnings in store for me. With eagerness and detachment, I wait to see this year unravel.
Two hours till this year becomes history. I treat myself to a movie and time with myself, a few treasured moments with the self that eloped.
Happy New Year to Me.....
Began this year with a surgery.A reminder of my phyical vulnerability.The recurring and nagging pain throughout the year somewhere raised my threshold and tolerance for pain. It taught me to live with it. Such that when I was asked if I was hurting, I honestly replied, " I don't know if the pain has reduced or if I'be become numb to it". Such I believe is the reality of life. I'm not sure how much our lives really change. I'm more confident that we become numb to whatever life has in it.
I look at this year and realize three major events took place in my life. I graduated, I got my first job and I got engaged. A sense of pride for knowing you have a degree bearing your name on it, a sense of independence for knowing you get a cheque for your hard work with your name on it, and a sense of joy for knowing you wear a dazzling diamond which has his name glittering on it.
It's New Year's eve,as the world gets ready to dance and drink away the last few hours to the new year, I sit wrapped in my blanket in thought and reflection.I reflect upon myself, the self that is not so "my" anymore. At least, I don't treat it as mine.It seems so estranged. Almost as if it eloped and began a new life against the will and norms of society. And just as a mother meets with her eloped daughter, there is an unspoken distance, an overbearing gravity, countless burning questions and yet a unique knowledge that she understands, understands what had caused her daughter to do the bold act.There is also that strange aura of pride at the boldness her daughter has exhibited.
I am not devoid of emotion. I am only too fearful of the power they wield on my porous heart. I don't know how to be gracious in my dealing with them, I don't know how to experience emotions without letting them cause havoc within me and to me;without raping me of my sacred composure and serenity. So, I learnt another art. The art of not letting myself feel any emotion. Why else does my inner self shudder by the thought of loved ones going away, why else does the thought of loneliness scare me. Thoughts of the future stir emotion in me but when that future becomes present,there is not an iota of feeling.
Ever seen a bird build a nest.From miles away, she carries the burden of a single twig.Just when she's about to place her twig down to lay the foundation of her home, the twig falls, or it's blown away. Not for a moment does she stop, or lose hope; she flies again to search for another twig,another leaf, another hope.She's not attached to the twigs, or the leaves. Therefore, their loss doesn't affect her. She is only attached to the goal;the nest. With each twig that is blown away, with each leaf that is lost in the long flight;I learn the power and importance of detachment. Detachment to the obstacles, detachment to the struggle, detachment to the wind that blows away her efforts.
Like a flower waiting to bloom, 2008 holds a lot of promises, a lot of dreams and new beginnings in store for me. With eagerness and detachment, I wait to see this year unravel.
Two hours till this year becomes history. I treat myself to a movie and time with myself, a few treasured moments with the self that eloped.
Happy New Year to Me.....
posted by Enigma at 6:40 PM
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