A First

Thanks to a refreshing conversatioin with Nigar Apa, I discovered the concept of writing in cyber space. After having a 10 year relationship with my diary, with the warmth of holding a pen and seeing the pen revealing oceans to a sheet of paper that is ever so passive and accepting; it's quite a change typing away. I almost feel like I'm betraying my diary. But, in my heart, I know I'm not because it'll take me a long while before I can share the same intense intimacy.
Maybe I can share my mind here but the depths of my heart trust only the whiteness of the diary, the spiral wire on the side, the pen that with a few strokes reveals more than a tongue can with a thousand movements. The whiteness of the pages reassures me that it can accept and embrace the darkest and blackest truths written on it.
I often wander what will happen to my diaries after I die. I wander what my family, my mother, my sister will think when they read it. I know it'll make my mother cry. I know it'll make my sisters wander. Or maybe they won't be able to see the enigmatic connection..the connection that I've always tried to perfect, the connection that gives me the security of knowing my ambiguity is secure, the connection that lets me reveal so much.